FUNCTION

BÁRA HLADÍK

function happy (time * executeDream) {
var finances;
var bureaucracy;
var mortality;
var assholes;
return maybeTomorrow }
.
function produce (time * motivation) {
var time;
var workweek;
var sexLife;
var feedYourself;
var commute;
return asleepLightsOn }
.
function love (me * you){
var affection;
var care;
var responsibility;
var respect;
var commitment;
var trust;
return dumped }
.
if (freeTime > 8 hrs) {
x = “recreation”; }
else if ( freeTime > 6 hrs) {
x = “errands”; }
else { x = “Internet” }
x ;
.
function fillSelf (me * selfValue) {
var CV;
var instagram;
var diet;
var opinions;
var income;
return whatIsSelf }
.
if (wine < 22 hr) {
x = “it helps me sleep”; }
else if (wine < 17 hr) {
x = “it’s actually a digestive” ; }
else ( x = “don’t talk to me” ; }
x ;
.
function produceCapitol (body * time){
var workHours;
var nutrients;
car crisis;
var loneliness;
return blues }
.
function me ( mind * machine ){
var matter;
var spirit;
var synapses;
var consciousness;
var skillset;
var imagination;
return meOrMyBrain }
.
function sellSelf (image * value) {
var circle;
var position;
var -/+;
var int/ext;
var hi/lo;
return selfie }
.
if (melancholy < 12 hr) {
x = “attempt a fresh walk” ; }
else if (melancholy < 17 hr) {
x = “eat emotion”; }
else { x = “succumb undercovers” ; }
x ;
.
function sociable (fillVoid * connect){
var whoIsThere;
var isItCrowded;
var whatToWear;
var isItExpensive;
return homeAlone }
.
if ( smallTalk < 5/10) {
x = “Ok, bye”; }
else if ( smallTalk < 9/10) {
x = “Let’s have tea”; }
else {
x = “Maybe we can move in together” }
x ;
.
function findDate (meet * spark){
var whereWtf;
var wearWtf;
var vibe;
var joke;
var tinder;
var irl;
return flaccid }
.
if ( vibes < 5/10) {
x = “like post”; }
else if (vibes < 7.5/10) {
x = “text 4 days”;}
else {
x = “drunk call 2am” }
x ;
.
function makeSence (think * communicate){
var lessons;
var position;
var perspective;
var articulation;
return lostNlonely }
.
function transcend (space * time) {
var elements;
var enlightenment;
var thirdDimension;
var physicalQuantities;
return stillMortal }

BÁRA HLADÍK is a writer and artist based in Montréal. Her work has been published in Metatron’s Micrometa series, The Midinette, Seafoam Mag, Cosmonauts Avenue, Kissing D poetry, and elsewhere. Her book Behind the Curtain was recently published by Publication Studio. She is the managing editor of Theta Wave.

TINY SPILLS
  • Sign: capricorn sun, libra rising, pisces moon
  • Last time i lied: this morning
  • Lie: told social services the wrong date
  • Favourite lyric: shine on you crazy diamond