I wanna be your dog

Come lie down beside me and touch my warm belly my little darlin’
Scratch me like you mean it you cowardly dog
Just kidding I am the dog in this scenario
Scratch my tits now, coward, no one is watching
My tits are so special they belong in a museum alongside stolen antiquities
& rows of rubies shining like hard wet red nipples
It would be erotic if it weren’t so unrealistic
You’ve got to be able to relate to a fantasy to project yourself there

My tits are so special I have to buy bras in specialty stores
My tits are so special I squeeze them a lot
Sometimes I forget where I am and I squeeze them in public
Slowly and with conviction
My pubes flow down my legs like The Never-ending Story
Or like… From Here to Eternity
Or like… 4ever… by the Veronicas

I’ve been so special and good this year
I’ve been such a good boy would you please
send me to live on the farm
I am like Lassie except I am an objectively better boy than him
Lassie pissed on your rug … and
I eat a very good omnivorous diet filled with egg yolks and pulses
My hair so silky and varied in tone
Like those Harry Potter jellybeans
Shit and piss flavoured ones

Just once I want to run naked through a field
Let my tatas roam free without a query in my lush head full of
Long glorious hair my tits sniffing the butts of other tits
And performing other important dog-related tasks
Before we go to the farm
Are we going to the farm?

Who’s a good boy?
Who’s a bad poet?
Who’s afraid of shit and piss flavoured jellybeans?
Who’s a cowardly little pissy bitch with a soft and exposed pubic area?
Who’s got ten nipples poking out of their chest like cheeky little tongues
or like rubies again?
Dance like your tits are glistening, love like no one gives a shit if you’re good
Except I do give a shit

Tell me I’m good, coward, no one is listening
Just once I want someone to knock on my door and ask “are you decent?”
And to mean, “are you a decent and honest person?”
And for me to know right away
With zero reassurance that I am
Yes yes it is me I am it



Dear old women in the shower blocks at the pool I love you

Everyday as if by magic
As if a bell rings at a very specific pitch
Or a trumpet blows on the horizon
Their pubes prick up

Like how the iceberg knows the exact spring day to split off
Like the cat knows when to lie beneath the house to die
Like how the eel finds its way to the right sea to fuck
Their pavlov’s pussies frogmarch them
direct to their designated local public pool change rooms

It is unclear whether they do laps first
Or if they even swim anymore
Or if they ever did
Or if they go straight to the shower blocks
To get squeaky clean

They follow the fluorescent light like a north star
Come all ye faithful rejoice
in the gentle of towelling of the bush
The joy of fibres on hot wet skin

The sweet miasma of talc rising
Everyday they rock like rocking horses
The towels swish back and forth like sexy conveyors their
Big bushes throw off sparks like
A shrub stuffed with dynamite

I call them possums
large and marsupial
they are slick with water then
with the friction
they puff and puff
like a mushroom cloud

They are bigger than the world
They are bigger than a sports utility vehicle
They are bigger than a regular-size vehicle
I love them that big

I love them like marge simpsons’ sports utility vehicle with additional feminised
like a pink lipstick in place of a cigarette lighter
I love them like a regular-size car doing laps of the world
making it spin backwards on its axis
Like superman did
I also love them like superman

I love them like a rocking horse loves rocking
I love them like I’m stuffing my pussy full of dynamite and floating on a sexy conveyor
belt like a boat
like a slide

I slip beneath the water
come out gasping
My big bush explodes from my swimmers
Like one million billion fireworks
And then I love them all over again

ELOISE GRILLS is an award-winning writer, comics artist and poet living in Melbourne, but like all esteemed Melbourne writers they are actually from Geelong. Their writing and art have appeared in places like The Lifted Brow, Cosmonauts Avenue, Meanjin, and Cordite. They are a 2019 CA-SRB Emerging Critic. Their graphic novel, Sexy Female Murderesses, was published by Glom Press in 2018, and their debut poetry collection, If you’re sexy and you know it slap your hams, will be published by Subbed In in 2019. They are currently working on their first memoir about big fat sexy bodies for Brow Books.