i am sad and everybody knows it

i have the urge to take my shoes off

and let my toes wiggle in the grass

one day i will be alive

one day i won’t

the grass is smooth and beautiful

the trees around me shine

there are moments when i zone out and imagine making our love into those trees

there are other moments when i imagine setting fire to them

while sitting alone with a Roxane Gay book and crying

in the grand macro sense of everything we are all just small ruptures of light

particles of the universe going up and down

there are glances of hope and there is sun

and its ours until we turn away

180 degrees to the darkside of nothing, like my mind

there are things that exist that we cannot see

and when we turn away the sun will still be there

until the day that it is not

but we’ll be dead by that time anyways

now at this time currently

i am not dead

but i cannot say that I am okay

i can say i am sad

and shaking

i miss the days when i was alive

my feet feel cold in the grass grown long and tired

i imagine someone talking to me

but i feel unequal to the situation and say: ‘Give me some time to fix myself and i’ll be better. just a few more months and ill be the person i’m supposed to be’

but i know that this is a lie

watching the life go on all around me

on xanax crying

Mallory Smart (@malsmart) is a Chicago-based writer and is the Editor-in-Chief of Maudlin House. She is the author of I’m AntiSocial, Coffee Never Lies and HIPSTER IDIOT. Her first full-length poetry collection, I Want To Feel Happy But I Only Feel___. is coming soon from Expat Press.