i am so sad i bought glitter eye shadow

                                                                                    and it didn’t make me any less sad ok maybe a little bit less sad but still sad i still think about texting you the majority of the day i think the majority of me wants you to not be ok so that i can prove that this meant something i am scared that it didn’t mean anything i would like to buy all of the pink glitter eyeshadow that i can find and build walls fifty containers thick around my room then i won’t have to feel bad about not leaving my bed i am scared about not leaving my bed i am scared about it getting bad again i am scared if it doesn’t get bad then this didn’t mean anything i spend the majority of the day thinking about where you could be standing at this precise moment the girl who sold me the glitter eyeshadow was very attractive and i think i was only a little uncomfortable when i talked to her and when i walked away i thought ‘yes another social interaction successfully managed’ i am trying to let people love me i am trying not to think about the way my hair is growing in ways you may never see i am trying not to think about being away from you i am trying not to think that you might be ok with it

.

.

the sky is a new noise here

a new color i never dreamed
a city where every day i wake up and i’m alive

which is another day i thought i would be dead
and everytime we touch we grow a field of wildflowers

neverending         i love you i love you
i drink and stop drinking         i sing and sing

we open up the whole world together  build a better sky
a stronger boat         fill our boat with all our loves and sail

away         where we are safe and love each other
and there is no word for

RBrown writes and teaches in Alabama where they are grateful to be trans and alive. Recent work can be found in VIDA Review, Shabby Dollhouse Review, Pittsburgh Poetry Journal, and others. They are the author of the micro-chapbook, Dear John, Love Letters to John Connor… (Ghost City Press, 2018). You can usually find them on twitter, @notalake.